LACKING BITE (ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED)

Parenthood is an amazing, life changing experience. But if you do it properly, it comes at a cost.



For cineastes this means having to accept that in the early years of your children's lives you will have to suspend all those jaunts to the cinema.

It also means, in the initial childrearing years, a portion of what little time you and your wife manage to eke out for yourselves is spent trying to catch up on DVD or Sky+ all those movies you intended to see.

That’s a small price to pay, of course, for the pleasure of being a mum and dad. 

And further down the line, there are filmgoing experiences you will get to enjoy with your children once you introduce them to the magic of cinema.

Think of all those classic Disney movies ('The Jungle Book', 'Snow White', '101 Dalmatians') you can explore together on DVD or on the big screen as well as all those modern Disney/Pixar classics ('Monsters Inc.', 'The Incredibles', 'Enchanted'). 

These feature films are so enjoyable, you will get to know them intimately (so intimately you will be able to quote huge chunks of them after repeated DVD viewings).

And if you are feeling really adventurous, you can always treat your munchkins to the magic of Laurel and Hardy, 'The Wizard of Oz' or even 'Singin' In The Rain'.

But be warned parents to be. 

For every family cinematic high point, there are lows - many lows.

For every second of sophisticated comedy in 'Toy Story 3'', there is the painfully slow passage of time during the relentlessly unfunny 'Kung Fu Panda 2'.

For every moment of visual poetry in 'Up', there is the sheer boredom of 'Hop'.

For every ounce of musical genius in 'The Princess and the Frog', there's the shameless plundering of so-so pop culture in 'Shrek'.

And then, there's 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' - a series of critic proof kids films that have reaped huge rewards at the box office despite dodgy storylines and one dimensional characters.

No series manages to strike fear into the hearts of parents in quite the same way as these movies do, especially when your beloved child says: "I want to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks film".

There is, of course, an even more chilling moment and that is when your little bundle of joy pleads in the supermarket: "Can I get this Alvin and the Chipmunks DVD?'

A 21st century reboot of the novelty records of the 1950s (people of a certain vintage may remember the British equivalent, Pinky and Perky) the series centres on the adventures of a wise ass, helium voiced pop star chipmunk, Alvin, his chipmunk band mates Simon and Theodore, their put-upon human guardian Dave (Jason Lee) and a corrupt music industry executive, Ian (David Cross).

The first film, directed by Tim Hill, netted Regency Enterprises, Bagdasarian Productions and 20th Century Fox, $361 million worldwide from a budget of $60 million - exceeding all its producers expectations despite poor reviews. 

Sniffing a money making franchise, they greenlighted 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel', directed by former 'Hill Street Blues' cast member Betty Thomas. This did even better, making $443 million globally despite even more hostile reviews. 

This movie introduced audiences to the Chipettes - Brittany, Jeanette and Eleanor - a Destiny's Child-style counterpoint to the Chipmunks.

Not surprisingly, Fox have now delivered a third Alvin movie in the form of 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked' and, as a result, browbeaten parents are being dragged to their local multiplexes by their infant sons and daughters over the Christmas period.

This time 'Shrek Forever After' and 'Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo' director Mike Mitchell is on board, so expectations are not exactly sky high.

The plot sees the Chipmunks and Chipettes join Dave on a cruise ship taking them to the International Music Awards - only to encounter Ian in a duck costume.

However it is Alvin's misbehaviour and not Ian's evil machinations that results in the Chipmunks and the Chipettes going overboard and ending up on a volcanic island.

Dave and Ian also end up falling into the sea, landing on the same island and trying to track down and rescue the pampered chipmunk superstars.

The Chipmunks and Chipettes fall in with a slightly mad but impeccably well groomed explorer named Zoe (Jenny Slate) who has been on a nine year quest to find lost treasure.

This provides the director with an opportunity to parody Tom Hanks and his companion, Wilson the football in Robert Zemeckis' desert island movie, 'Cast Away' .

Zoe's companions on the island are a basketball, a tennis ball and a golf ball named after other well known sports brands - a lame joke that is mined again and again and again and again and again.

Suffice it to say the volcanic island experience provides many life lessons for Alvin and his pals and... Oh, is that time? Yeah, even I'm bored writing this synopsis.

While under sevens may enjoy the adventures of Alvin and his pals, everyone else will suffer in silence. Although, it must be said, there are a few moments of unintentional comedy. 

The scene when Jason Lee and David Cross are struggling initially to stay afloat in the sea makes a perfect visual metaphor for their performances if ever there was one.

And then, not long after they have washed ashore, Cross angrily asks Lee: "Are you really going to spend the rest of your life chasing after these brats?"

The answer, unfortunately, appears to be yes as Lee has been asked to turn in another performance as Dave in the Alvin quadrilogy. No, seriously - an Alvin quadrilogy. Not to be confused with the Alien quadrilogy.

Sometimes watching Dave, you have to pinch yourself. Yes, this is the same Jason Lee of 'My Name Is Earl' fame, who might carved out a decent career after featuring in several Kevin Smith and Cameron Crowe movies.

And while you get to mull on that, the Chipmunks and Chipettes murder Iggy Pop's 'Real Wild Child' on the soundtrack and perpetrate other high pitched massacres of Lady Ga Ga's 'Bad Romance' and 'Born This Way' and Katie Perry's 'Firework'.

After our screening, I was asked by my six year old which was the best of the Alvin series. I couldn't answer her as this is like being asked: which would you prefer - typhoid, smallpox or the bubonic plague? 

So a quick plea to Rupert Murdoch and 20th Century Fox.

If there is a fourth Alvin movie, please let it be a 'Silence of the Lambs' parody with Sir Anthony Hopkins reprising his role as Hannibal Lecter. 

Please make it as violent as possible and subject Alvin, in particular, to the worst of Hannibal's excesses. 

I even have a great title for it: 'Alvin and the Chipolatas'. 

(This review of Alvin and the Chipmunks originally appeared on the Eamonn,Allie.com website following its U.K. and Irish cinema release on December 16, 2011)

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