AWAY WITH THE FAIRIES (ARTEMIS FOWL)

 

If in 1989 you were to have predicted the course that Kenneth Branagh's career as a director would take, it is fair to say you would have been surprised.

Touted as the new Laurence Olivier, Branagh landed a BAFTA and also his only Oscar nomination as a director for 'Henry V'. 

It would have been a pretty good bet, given his place in British theatre, that he would go on to turn 'Much Ado About Nothing,' 'Hamlet,' 'Love's Labour Lost' and 'As You Like It' into star studded movies.

You might have also entertained the possibility of him helming screen versions of 'Mary Shelley's Frankenstein,' 'Cinderella,' 'Sleuth,' 'Murder on the Orient Express' and even 'The Magic Flute'.

But, leaving aside smaller films like 'Dead Again,' 'Peter's Friends', 'In the Bleak Midwinter' and 'All is Lost,' would anyone really have had him directing 'Thor' for Marvel or 'Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit'?

Yet it is the success of these two franchise films and 'Cinderella' that undoubtedly made the Belfast born director an attractive candidate for Disney when it came to finally bringing Eoin Colfer's fantasy adventure 'Artemis Fowl' to the big screen.

'Artemis Fowl' is the latest in a long line of wannabe 'Harry Potter' franchises.

Remember the 'Percy Jackson' movies? Or what about the 'Alex Rider' movie 'Stormbreaker'?

Does anyone recall 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' movies?

There was also a first stab at a 'His Dark Materials' trilogy, with Chris Weitz's ' The Golden Compass'.

All of these attempts to find the next 'Harry Potter' came and went with varying degrees of success.

However they came nowhere near the phenomenal box office haul of the movie versions of JK Rowling's franchise.

Disney and Miramax have been trying to make a movie of Colfer's book since 2001.

At one stage, 'My Left Foot' and 'In the Name of the Father' director Jim Sheridan was attached to the project with Saoirse Ronan.

Robert de Niro and Jane Rosenthal were also involved as producers during another bid to get the books to the big screen.

Kenneth Branagh came on board the project in 2015 with the celebrated Dublin playwright and occasional film director Conor McPherson and comedian Hamish McColl adapting Colfer's story.

Shamed producer Harvey Weinstein was also removed from his role due to the scandal about his disgraceful sexual misconduct.

Principal production on the film began in 2018, with Branagh shooting the movie in Longcross Studios in Surrey, Vietnam, Scotland, Italy and Northern Ireland.

However the theatrical release of the film in August 2019 was pushed back to May 2020 - slap bang in the middle of the first wave of the Covid-19 pandemic which shut cinemas around the world.

Seizing the opportunity to promote its new streaming service Disney+ globally, the studio opted instead to release 'Artemis Fowl' exclusively on the platform.

Branagh's film begins with the media camped outside the gates of Fowl Manor after the arrest by British intelligence of Josh Gad's dwarf giganticus thief Mulch Diggums. 

The gentleman thief is interrogated about the whereabouts and activities of Colin Farrell's sharp suited businessman Artemis Fowl Snr and his acquisition of rare artefacts.

Intelligence chiefs are particularly interested in whether Fowl has stolen "the Aculos" - a powerful artefact from the fairy world with the capacity to wipe out all enemies.

Diggums proceeds to recount the story of Ferdia Shaw's Artemis Fowl Jr whose father disappears while on a boat which is found with a number of stolen artefacts onboard.

Artemis Sr has been kidnapped by Hong Chau's sinister hooded Pixie, Opal Kobol.

In a phone call, Kobol demands Artemis Jr locate the Aculos and hand it over within three days.

Jr turns to his father's bodyguard Nonso Anosie's Domovoi Butler for help in locating where Sr may have hidden the Aculos.

Domovoi introduces Jr to a hidden library containing details of the existence of various creatures.

But as he parses these for clues, Dame Judi Dench's gruff fairy commander Julius Root and her colony of elves and fairies are keen to get their hands on the Aculos too.

Along with Lara McDonnell's elf Holly Short and other members of the LEPrecon police - yes, really - in the lower elements capital of Haven City, she is determined to ensure it does not fall into the wrong hands.

With Holly also eager to clear her father's name following allegations that he helped steal the Aculos, she comes across Diggums and soon heads to the Hill of Tara to help investigate what happened to her dad.

However this results in her being captured by Domovoi and Artemis Jr and soon they are all on a collision course with Root and her LEPrecon officers, those working for Kobol and real trolls.

Having memorably played the charlatan Gilderoy Lockhart in Chris Columbus' 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets', the second instalment of the series of films, you would imagine Branagh would be well versed in how to make a top quality fantasy adventure.

However 'Artemis Fowl' is an unholy mess.

It jumps around like a frog on speed, revelling in its glossy visuals, ignoring its incoherent plot and causing audiences to just scratch their heads in confusion.

Unlike Harry Potter, none of the characters are properly fleshed out.

Apart from walking around in a 'Men in Black' suit and calling himself s master criminal, we know very little and care very little about Artemis Jr.

The villain Opal Kobol is also ill defined and lacks real menace.

In the absence of decent characterisations or a sensible plot, Branagh and his writers seem more enthusiastic about borrowing elements from the 'Harry Potter,' 'Men in Black' and 'Star Wars' franchises.

But this only serves as a reminder how much more intelligible those films were. 

The most unforgivable aspect of Branagh's film, however, is its cloying 'Kellogg's Lucky Charms' Oirishness.

Patrick Doyle's score is full of wistful tunes and the LEPrecon scenes are just twee.

Dame Judi Dench is purported to have modelled her accent on the former Northern Ireland First Minister and DUP leader, the Rev Ian Paisley but her accent turns pure West Country at several points.

She even gets to utter that most Oirish of clichés 'Top o' the Morning' which no self respecting Irishman or woman or Irish creature would utter.

Shaw, the grandson of the legendary star of 'A Man for All Seasons' and 'Jaws' Robert Shaw, struggles to put his stamp on the main role in the way that Daniel Radcliffe was able to do as Harry Potter.

But that is mostly down to the poorly crafted script.

Josh Gad seems to have ripped his look straight off Robbie Coltrane's Hagrid but he mostly resorts to the usual bargain basement Jack Black routine he trots out.

Farrell goes through the motions when he is onscreen, as do Anosie, Cha, Tamara Smart as Domovoi's 12 year old neice Juliet and Adrian Scarborough as a goblin king.

But if there is one bright light, it is the promise Lara McDonnell shows as Holly Short when she is onscreen.

While Branagh's visual effects team do a terrific job delivering eye catching imagery, the problem is audiences just aren't invested enough.

They are simply left wondering why Branagh and his crew have gone to all the effort.

'Artemis Fowl's' plot and characters are so sketchy, it doesn't take long to tune out of what is unfolding.

And as it plods along, you can't help feeling Disney's initial decision to delay its cinema release and its subsequent eagerness to offload it on its own streaming platform shows it knew how much of a dud it had on its hands.

Neither Branagh nor McPherson nor McColl  have a way with fairies and that would almost certainly have spelt box office death had it had a theatrical release.

The climax of the film rather optimistically holds out hope there might be a sequel.

Hope all you want.

This potential franchise looks dead in the water.

After all, who wants a franchise devoid of magic?

('Artemis Fowl' was released on the Disney+ platform on June 13, 2020)