ISLE OF DUDS (BLUMHOUSE'S FANTASY ISLAND)

 

Ever wondered what a film written by a 12 year old boy would look like? 

'Blumhouse's Fantasy Island' might be the closest you ever get to experiencing it.

It is a film that is so crudely pieced together, you expect trading standards officers to appear 15 minutes in to shut it down.

Jeff Wadlow's reimagining of the ABC television series with Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaise bears scant resemblance to the original.

It is as if those who bought the rights realised the folly of trying to remake such a weak TV series in the first place and went to the horror brand Blumhouse in a desperate bid to do something, just anything with it.

Wadlow's film begins with a damsel in distress, trying to get off the island.

She phones for help, only to realise that the person on the other end is one of her tormenters and is dragged screaming to what you presume is her death.

The next thing you see is the arrival of a group of young jerks by sea plane in classic 'Fantasy Island' fashion.

The gang consists of Lucy Hale's shallow Melanie Cole, Maggie Q's earnest businesswoman Gwen Olsen, Austin Stowell's former police officer Patrick Sullivan and Ryan Hansen and Jimmy Yang's immature adult jocks, JD and Brax Weaver.

They are greeted by Michael Peña's Mr Roarke and his personal assistant, Parisa Fitz-Henley's Julia who initially tends to their needs as they prepare to live out their dreams.

JD and his gay brother Brax have requested the fantasy of "having it all" and are quickly whisked away to a big budget Benny Hill inspired beach party with cocktails, bikini clad babes and muscled, bronze boys in tight g-strings.

Gwen gets the chance to rectify an episode from her life that she regrets, when she turned down the marriage proposal of her ex boyfriend, Robbie Jones' Allen Chambers.

Patrick wants to experience what it is like to be a soldier and is stunned when he is reunited with his father, Mike Vogel's Lieutenant Sullivan who died in Venezuela jumping on top of a grenade to save his platoon 'cos... he was that kind of guy.

However everything goes awry when Melanie gets to live out her fantasy of exacting revenge on her bully from childhood.

Portia Doubleday's Sloane Madison is that bully and when Melanie sees her bound, gagged and tied to a chair with a torturer poised to do whatever she wants, she freaks out.

Fantasy Island turns out to be a place of nightmares as zombies roam the woods with South American drug lords and it all seems to be happening with the consent of Mr Roarke.

One man, Michael Rooker's machete wielding private investigator with a Wurzel Gummidge hairdo, Damon seems to be alive to the conspiracy but can he save the latest set of guests from the slaughter?

'Blumhouse's Fantasy Island' is a dispiriting watch.

It is glossy. It is crass. It makes little sense narratively.

You suspect the screenplay was written in crayon.

It is the kind of film you'd suspect Donald Trump Jr would believe is a cinematic masterpiece.

It is also an unforgivable waste of talent.

Michael Peña is much better than this.

We know this from the first season of 'Narcos: Mexico'.

So what in the Benny Hill is doing in the middle of this pile of excrement?

The same goes for Michael Rooker who starred in one of the creepiest movies ever made - John McNaughton's 1986 chiller 'Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer'.

The man ought to know good horror.

Made on a budget of just $7 million, you would be amazed if both of them made this movie simply for the money because it is hard to believe their asking price is so low.

Although to be fair to Wadlow, the film looks like it cost more than $7 million.

However it is Wadlow's fellow writers Chris Roach and Jillian Jacobs who along with him should really hang their heads in shame.

The frat boy dialogue and nonsensical plot makes it the hands down winner of 2020's worst film.

It not only insults its audience's intelligence but proudly attacks your IQ.

Any movie after all that boasts a bimbo character called Chastity - played by Charlotte McKinney - tells you all you need to know.

But what is most unforgivable is that in a supposed horror movie with bouncing boobs, ridiculous gunfights and zombies with the bleeding eyes, there is not one laugh or one scare.

For a production company like Blumhouse, whose reputation is effective low budget horror, to deliver a movie with no scares just one mind numbing set piece after another is appalling and unforgivable.

There are episodes of 'Scooby Doo' that are more more scary than this drivel.

Maybe they just don't care.

Maybe they think just sticking the Blumhouse label on this is enough.

When you start to think ten minutes into a film that the 'Sharknado' movies weren't that badly written after all, you know you're in trouble.

'Blumhouse's Fantasy Island' made almost seven times its budget back when it was released before the Coronavirus forced cinemas to close.

So maybe, the joke's on us?

That is no excuse, however, for producing a film so flimsy, so contemptuous of its audience.

Dave Bautista was at one stage attached to Wadlow's movie and then dropped out. 

Dave Bautista is a wise man.

That was a bullet dodged, if ever there was one. 

('Blumhouse's Fantasy Island' was released in the UK and Ireland on February 14, 2020 and was made available for streaming and on DVD on May 12, 2020)