THREAT LEVEL DAYLIGHT (BLACKBIRD)

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Listen up fans of the US version of 'The Office'.

'Threat Level Midnight' has finally made it into the cinema.

Except it has a different name and it hasn't been directed by Steve Carrell's Michael Scott.

Okay, that's not true.

It may not be Michael Scott's masterpiece but Michael Flatley's 'Blackbird' might be the closest we ever come to seeing 'Threat Level Midnight' on a cinema screen.

© Dancelord Productions

Originally made in 2018 but eventually securing a release four years later, the 'Riverdance' star ploughed almost £3million of his own money into his personal pet project.

And it is so bad, it's hard to know where to begin.

So let's try and explain the plot.

Flatley is Victor Blackley, a kind of superspy working for.. is it the Irish security services or the British?

© Dancelord Productions

It's hard to tell but he's apparently a valued member of The Chieftains - not the traditional Irish music supergroup but a kind Marvel Spying Pensioners Assemble.

Oh but Victor is a haunted boyo.

He watched the love of his life burn at the stake during an operation and doesn't he be having the auld flashbacks every now and again?

So he's left the auld sod and the spy game, upped sticks and settled in Barbados to run the Blue Moon nightclub and hotel, with an excellent spa.

And doesn't he wander about the place in a white tux, pretending he's that Rick fella off that movie 'Casablanca' that everybody blethers on about?

© Dancelord Productions

Oh and he's taken a few of his bezzie mates with him, Ian Beattie's Nordie by the name of Nick and Anthony Chisholm's African geezer called Matiti.

There's a wee Belfast girl called Madeleine, played by Mary Louise Kelly, who sings 'Mack the Knife' in the Blue Moon and has the hots for Victor.

But who wouldn't?

The poor girl drops her clothes for him, only to be told "Not tonight Madeleine".

© Dancelord Productions

Suddenly Eric Roberts' shady arms dealer Blake turns up in Barbados with a fiance, Nicole Evans' Vivian on his arm.

Of all the luxury hotel and spa breaks around the world, they had to choose Victor's!

Blake is, as you'd expect, up to no good and is trying to trade the deadliest formula ever known to man to some shady Arabs.

Nick wants to do something about it.

Victor doesn't want to get involved.

© Dancelord Productions

Patrick Bergin's Chieftain leader who goes by the rather imaginative name, The Head spends his time in cold and rainy London because.. well, that's never really explained.

But who cares when there's a planet to be saving to be sure, to be sure?

To say 'Blackbird' is the worst Irish movie ever made may be an understatement.

To claim it is on a level with Tommy Wiseau's 'The Room' or Ed Wood's 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' is really underselling it.

Flatley walks around with a "hey, even I can't believe I'm starring in my own movie that I've financed" expression on his face and delivers his lines with what can only be described as Matt Hancock levels of credibility.

© Dancelord Productions

He does have an impressive collection of hats which we get to savour and which are always tipped at a certain angle.

The rest of the cast, it has to be said, flounder.

Evans and Kelly are stiff beyond belief to the point where you think they believe they are in an episode of 'Allo Allo'.

Roberts, Bergin and Beattie have no excuses.

They are experienced screen actors and they simply ought to know better.

© Dancelord Productions

Very often dialogue uttered by the cast is delivered as if they are reading it for the first time.

But the dialogue.. oh what dialogue!

Much of it feels like it has been ripped out of the poorest B movies.

Other lines are just plain weird.

Here's some choice examples.

© Dancelord Productions

Maititi: "It is rumoured he is connected to illegal arms dealing. It just so happens that he is coming here to strike a deal a week after the formula went missing."

Madeleine: "Great crowd tonight, Victor. I must say you are looking very handsome..."

Victor: "Ten years ago I was a different man, Nick and so were you. I'd think after what happened you would have understood..."

Nick: "I need to talk to you about your fiance.. He's not a good man Vivian. He's selling secrets to war criminals in Africa - very dangerous men. You're not here on holidays.. You were with the agency, Viv. We used to stop the baddies - not marry them. Think about it!"

© Dancelord Productions

Vivian: "Victor, I know what happened. I know what you must be going through. What you did was the bravest thing any man could do under the circumstances but you can't let it ruin the rest of your life. You can't just hide from the world. You have got to come back and fight."

Blake: "I want to ask you a question. Your answer is (pause) very important to me. Do you think that I am a.. (lengthy pause) bad man? Or do you think I am.. (even lengthier pause) just?"

Victor: "Bless me Father for I have sinned and I am about to sin again..."

Vivian: "You keep underestimating him. He's the Blackbird, you fool.."

Victor: "Listen. We are probably never going to see each other again in this lifetime but I want you to know it was you who gave me the strength and courage to come and face this today. I'll take that with me..."

© Dancelord Productions

The showdown, by the way, in a boatyard is worth staying for - if only for the steadfast refusal to have any proper action sequences.

It's a real cinematic first, I think, to have a film which has punch ups and bullets fired offscreen behind a boat.

Although I'm happy to be corrected.

But hey Quentin Tarantino, take note.

If there is a plus, it is Luke Palmer's cinematography which gets the best out of the film's sunkissed or rain sodden locations.

© Dancelord Productions

However none of his visuals can conceal the fact that 'Blackbird' is not just the worst movie of 2022 by several country miles but one of the worst movies of all time.

Like Wiseau and Wood's films, surely it's destined for cult status?

Surely someone somewhere around the world must be planning cinema screenings full of people in white tuxes and trilby hats worn at jaunty angles?

The only pity for them is Flatley forgot to come up with an equivalent of "Do the Scarn".

Then again, there's always 'Blackbird 2'...

('Blackbird' was released in UK and Irish cinemas on September 2, 2022)

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